I RUN ANGRY
D. H. Lawrence said “I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.” I think of this quote often, and always just like this:
This year has been a challenging year that has included the end of my 13 year marriage to the person I thought I would grow old with. I am a dad to three boys, ages 9, 6, and 3, and I am deeply saddened that I am unable to give them a stable family life with a mom and dad that love one another.
This year I have stayed sad too much, I have cried too much, I have been hurt too much. I don’t believe I’ll ever get over this pain I still feel deeply everyday, but I am responding to the pain in the best way I know how: use it to motivate me to be a better man.
When I’m running, and my legs are hurting and my lungs are burning and I want to quit, I recall this pain, and it makes me immensely sad. You can’t cry when you’re running – I’ve tried (if you can, run harder). Instead, I use it to propel myself forward, faster, harder, angrier, with powerful rage.
With this thought I went on my long run today, and accomplished a 13.46 miles in 2 hours and 25 minutes. The first half of this run included an extremely strong wind in my face. Shortly after the halfway point I had to stop and fix a shoe lace, and my legs were burning already. My mantra this run was “Is that all you have?!” It wasn’t. I have lots more.
I got home tired, legs hurting like they haven’t in a very long time. I showered, started lunch, then walked into my boys’ bedroom…
Being a parent is easily the most difficult and demanding job I’ve ever had. Many days for the last 8 years I was thankful when I could sneak away and get some me time away from my children. Now my boys stay with me every Wednesday, Friday, and every other weekend. This weekend they are with their mom. Today, after my run, I went into their room and sat down on their bunk beds, and held their pillows close and breathed in the remnants of their stinky boy heads. There is never a moment when I’m happy they’re not with me now.
I STAY LONELY…
I am a broken man. I don’t want to give a potential partner the burden of dealing with a broken life. I don’t think a positive relationship would result if it’s built on a foundation of my brokenness. But I am healing, very slowly. I’m still pretty cognizant of my ‘baggage’, and wonder what I could possibly offer that special person when I have three small children who I still want to give my all to. With that responsibility comes a financial commitment, lots of time, and the devotion of my heart and soul. What would I have left to give?
…BUT I WANT TO TRY AGAIN
I’ve met some awesome people (with ovaries) lately, which demonstrates there are some great fish in the sea. They are humans like me; they have been hurt, they’re trying to figure out life, and they’re lonely too. I want to be gentle with other’s hearts, but fear I most often am like this guy…
Please don’t give up on on me yet!
Finally, I’ve got some new shoes! I upgraded from Saucony Kinvarra 3’s to the Kinvarra 4. So far, I’m extremely happy with them!